At its core, sports on TV is simply a prop for beer sales. Theviewer essentially must answer the question: What's more importantto you, Coors Light's 'cold-activated can' or Miller Lite's 'tasteprotector lid'? This marketing malarkey reminds me of another reasonI stand proudly with the good folks at Pabst Blue Ribbon - theydon't advertise.
Alas, Couch Slouch remains America's Viewer and, thus, America'sCommercial Viewer, America's Slogan Buster and America's ProductTester, which brings us to our annual fall survey of the vastwasteland of ads littering televised sports:
* DiGiornio: 'Fresh Delivery Taste Without the Delivery Price.'They call it 'DiGiornomics.' Well, here's 'Slouchonomics': I'll havea salad for dinner.
* Sears: 'Life Well Spent.' Wouldn't it be better spent notdragging a room air conditioner into your car through a Searsparking lot?
* Dr Pepper: 'Drink it slow.' Actually, I don't drink it at all -is that slow enough?
* Taco Bell: 'Why Pay More?' OK, the chicken ranch gordita is 89cents. Once you consider the costs involved - raising the chicken,processing the chicken, shipping the chicken, packaging materials,cooking the chicken, purchasing other ingredients (bread, lettuce,dressing, seasoning, et al), restaurant equipment, commercial rent,insurance, labor and, of course, advertising - if you're paying only89 cents, exactly what type of quality meal are you expecting here?
* Walmart: 'Save money. Live better.' It seems to me that thefolks running Walmart are the only ones living better.
* New York Life: 'The Company You Keep.' You don't want to knowthe company I keep.
* Fidelity Investments: 'Turn here.' If I make one more wrongturn, I'm going to be selling refrigerator magnets out of the backof my Smart Car.
* Subway: 'Where Winners Eat.' Where do losers eat, the busstation?
(Column Intermission: My Player of Destiny, teenage wunderkindMatt Barkley, has been, well, wunderkinderful. USC is 5-0 when heplays and 0-1 when he's hurt. If he doesn't win the Heisman, theyshould just change the name of the award to the He's Not The BestPlayer In The Nation Trophy. The freshman quarterback was 19-of-29for 380 yards Saturday against Notre Dame. Plus, he's doingEXCEEDINGLY WELL in classes.)
* State Farm: 'Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.' I haveno good neighbors - I live in L.A.
* ING: 'Your future. Made easier.' I have no future, so how hardcould it be?
* John Hancock: 'The future is yours.' Trust me: In 1979, maybe -maybe - I had a future.
* KFC: 'Unthink.' Geez. Taco Bell always tells us to 'thinkoutside the bun.' KFC wants me to 'unthink.' Can't do both, folks.Why don't you all just give consumers a lobotomy and be done withit?
* GMC: 'May the Best Car Win.' I guess that's why we're alldriving Hondas.
* Sprint: 'Any Mobile, Anytime.' I remain a telecommunicationsthrowback: I don't want to talk to anybody anytime, and when I dotalk to somebody, I want it to be on a rotary-dial desk phone.
* Lowe's: 'Let's Build Something Together.' Let's not.
* Domino's: '#1 in Customer Satisfaction.' Really? I assume noneof its customers actually eat. These people now offer chocolate lavacrunch cake. Heck, they can't make pizza that well, now they'rebranching out to desserts?
* Papa John's: Fresh Dough Cinnapie. Ibid.
* Coca-Cola: I am a lifelong Coke fan, but, come on, do theyreally still need to advertise? Even a billion Chinese know aboutthe stuff by now. Sure, there might be a handful of Jehovah'sWitnesses who don't drink Coke, but they don't own TVs, so whybother? Best I can tell, if Coca-Cola eliminates its ad budget, itcan reduce the price of a six-pack by 25 cents.
* Southwest: 'Bags Fly Free.' Amen.
* Outback Steakhouse: 'Live adventurous.' I do, any time I wanderinto Taco Bell with 89 cents in my pocket.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Now that the NBA is allowing teams to sell ad space onpractice jerseys, will PBR logos soon be appearing on The Slouch'swarm-up pajamas? (Kevin Bakley; Strongsville, Ohio)
A. Actually, I wear velour sweats around the house.
Q. You spend a lot of time in Las Vegas - ever see anyone makemore bad decisions in a five-year period than Al Davis? (Joe Peta;San Francisco)
A. I believe Howard Hughes ordered room service at the Desert Innevery day between 1966 and 1971.
Q. You are funny on the poker show and I really enjoy yourcolumn, but I was wondering if you ever had a real job? (Bob Miller;Pittsburgh)
A. Before cable TV lured me to the couch, I was a freelancepaleoanthropologist.
Q. Given your personal history and your current seemingly perfectarrangement, are you being asked only to 'manage' the marriage?(Phil Sorensen; Ashland, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
